I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
from now on my penis is your penis
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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