i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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