I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
