God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
