I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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