mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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