Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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