He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
