I think my fart just growled at me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
