I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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