you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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