mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I wear drunk well.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
