theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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