I wish my penis had an off switch
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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