Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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