Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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