I think my vagina is haunted
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
