watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
