U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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