Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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