for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
