So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you win again, gameday.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
