what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
