I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
