Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
