I wish I could teleport
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
