we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
