my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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