There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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