Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
