i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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