Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
