Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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