Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
