no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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