I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
