I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
