I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
