I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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