If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
