New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
