You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
soo... how was my night?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
