i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
