I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
