i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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