I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
