Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
