So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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