He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
