he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
