Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
