I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
