Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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