Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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