So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just had sex on a roof
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
