I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
