hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You pole danced in your parka.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
