Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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