i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
